Why is love so hard? [forewords]
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Things are getting difficult for me to hide now. I’m liking this boy who I’ve known for over half my life, I can’t say since birth, since that’s not the case. However, this boy… we’ve grown up together. Sure, we live in completely different areas and went to different schools, yet that doesn’t stop me from seeing him. Our parents are good friends as well, so I guess that’s another reason as to why I always see him. But, something I can’t digest is the fact, that everytime I see him, my heart beats faster, I feel as if I can’t breathe, my palms get all sweaty. I’m not sure if this is true love. If it is, as quoted ‘when I was thirteen I had my first love’ seems to apply so much to my situation.
I try to hide it. Though, sometimes, it’s difficult for me to not look at him. When we’re at parties, my eyes always seem to wander towards the area where he stands. Even if the friend next to him may be cuter, my focus is merely based on him. Ever since I’ve met him, I’ve found him funny. He’s always made me laugh. I guess because of our distance, we no longer speak. The awkward barrier between childhood and teenager seems clear to me now. When we were children, we were able to express things freely, since it came by as cute but now, as teenagers… it shows more emotion and people find it more serious, because we’re able to know and control our emotions.
I always see a caring side toward him. I remember when I got hurt he turned around to check on me if I was okay. I felt my cheeks go red and I couldn’t look straight into his face. He was leaning so close to me, I could’ve sworn that he heard my heartbeat. And, that other time when he put his arms around me. Sure, he was just playing around with other children at that time, but oh-my-gosh, the feeling of blood pulsing all around me was too much. I felt like blushing into beet red!
He almost figured it out, I almost panicked. Of course they took it as a joke though inside I was thinking no, it’s not a joke. I’ve liked him for a really long time. Sure, I had crushes in my previous school that weren’t him, but that was because he wasn’t there, and I needed someone who I could see every day (at that point in time) to daydream about. But, now that I no longer see him, but I see you… I’m not sure, maybe it’s always been you. Crazy right, I’ve liked a guy since the age of four. Innocent, sweet four. But… that was when we first met, when he first stepped into my life (and home).
I sometimes fantasize about us getting together, me getting enough courage to confess and tell my true feelings for him. Though, I doubt that’s every going to happen. Then, I get these imaginations that he’ll confess to me - which I know he won’t do. I hardly think that he’ll be able to since I’m not even that pretty. We barely talk anymore, so why should he like me back? Though, whenever I catch his eye, from across the room, I feel a zap. I don’t know if he feels it to, but I certainly do. And big zaps at that.
It was almost like yesterday when we were arguing for the mouse at someone’s house. Because of our argument, our hands ended up being tangled together. We wouldn’t let go for at least two minutes. That was when I showed him my favourite Korean band. He seemed to look bothered, either because he wanted the computer back for his game, or because he was jealous – which is the one I don’t believe that much. Oh, and I also remember that time when we shared that indirect kiss. Heh. He drank my water, thinking it was his. I had to look away to hide my blush.
Love for me? It’s a difficult feeling. I can’t tell anyone about it. Situations like these could be stressful. I know, if I really like him, I should confess and see how things go, but if things turn out bad, what will I do? Hide away in shame? Loose focus in studying? Another part of myself can’t stop but to wonder, what would happen if he does accept?
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Labels: why is love so hard
DATE:Monday, April 18, 2011
TIME:{7:55 AM }
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