You were a nice person to me since the day I entered this planet. I was seated on the kitchen table chewing on toast, watching you go by your everyday life. I hadn't taken notice of it but you hummed as you picked up the clothes from the washing machine and hung it on the washing line. I swallowed some water and left my plate and cup. I stood up, and walked off, heading for the shower. I sensed you looking at me, but I took no notice of it and just moved on. Now, I regret every minute of it. Had I been able to turn back time, then instead of leaving you, I would've helped you...

Without giving you a good-bye hug and kiss I took the car to school. You were too busy looking after Sunhwa and Inkyung. You always were. I sat in the car with dad, staring at buildings passing by. The day outside was gloomy, and it was no help at all that the car was silent. Just the radio playing the tune, trying to lighten the mood, if there even was one. I sighed and turned away from the window, playing with the radio stations choosing which ones to listen to. Nothing good was coming from it so I just closed my eyes and took my usual nap heading to school.

The day was no better. I had friends who talked to me, but I stayed silent. I find it difficult to communicate sometimes. I prefer to blend away and stay well hidden into the background. The topics discussed by my friends were simply ones that didn't gain my interest. Quietly I nibbled onto the food that you made for me. Had I been given enough time then I would've thanked you for your efforts. Lessons were just a drag, something that ate up my day, when I could've been at home and actually tell you some things bothering me. But as soon as I arrive home, I rush to my room ignoring your presence. Heading straight to my laptop to talk to friends who I had spent time with for the majority of the day. You didn't really mind, and would only call me down to help take care of either Sunhwa or Inkyung. I didn't like that you used me to look after your children. But if only I had understood and didn't question you at all.

Evening meals were even more awkward. I'd just eat at the corner, in silence not conversing about my day to anyone. Of course whenever I felt like ranting out my emotions you would listen and often give me advice that really helped. But my stubborn self decided to ignore your help and I was left willowing away in my own self pity. Whenever I finished, which was usually first, I would rush up the stairs after putting my plate in the sink. I didn't want to be the one to wash them. So I left you to do them.

Whenever I wish to share something with you, you're always busy. I try to explain a story that has been going on in school that could interest you. But then, there you are... Not paying attention but looking after your precious baby Inkyung. I'm sorry I'm no longer a one year old like him, but a teenager. But guess what, I also crave for attention. I could blame it on my star sign, Leo - demanding for attention, but that's just stupid. I know in my heart that I'm a jealous wreck. You say you listen and you're attentive. But are you really? Are you really? You ask me to repeat myself, but it hurts to know you weren't listening the first time. Call me sensitive, but that's what I am. And I'm sorry for that.

Yeah. You may be someone who doesn't really do much for me anymore since I need to learn to be independent. But no matter how old you are, you will still need your mother to be there with you. It doesn't matter. I don't care anymore about anything. If you were just to suddenly disappear like Junhyung in the wind did in the music video of Fiction, my heart would break. You're special. You're unique. And you're strong-willed. Your someone that I wish I could be, but also wish that I couldn't be. You can cause me to cry, but I know it's for the best. You can cause me to laugh, and that will always be a treasured memory.

I'm sorry I'm not always going to be the perfect daughter you wished for me to be...

Labels: mianhae